I guess once again I have reached a point of no return. And I am nervous about publishing this. I feel super vulnerable right now, but I want to follow my impulse and honor my truth.
What can I say. I am feeling a lot of fire these days. But in a very liberating way. Bit by bit, I dive deeper into my truth.
I am fed up with this game of VICTIMHOOD AND WOUNDOLOGY*
...especially within myself and the people I work with. What I uncovered, especially during lockdown and after reading "Why people don't heal and how they can" by Caroline Myss (big recommendation), is how I long for healing and liberation, yet still won't let go of my suffering at the same time. There are these personas within me, whose identities are strongly based on the stories of illness, powerlessness and helplessness. And by letting them go, I would not only "lose my identity", but also the leverage I have, to manipulate others into giving me the love, attention and validation I seek.
BOOM - THIS IS HARD TO ADMIT.
And I can't deny anymore that I have this side within me. Scorpio moon brought these shadows up intensely. I am using my pain to get what I want and need. This pattern is strong and deeply woven into my subconscious. It is also what I have witnessed my parents doing, and what their parents have been doing, and so on. It's basically within and all around us. Cause these behaviors are so normal. And it is what has worked ever since I was a child. When no one is noticing you, you try getting their attention in a different way.
After realizing this, I was in shock
I started to observe myself, the words that I used and sometimes still use and how I communicate with myself and others.
And fuck... there it was. As an astrologer I am aware of my dark sides and shadows. And this was something I deeply despised and judged about myself. I did not want this manipulative side to be a part of me and hell... of course I want to heal, it has been my focus for so many years. But somehow I was still stuck. I had no idea how tightly I was actually holding onto my pain. I had gained attention through it, I had made connections with other people through it, I received validation and compassion from other beings through it. I did not have to grow up through it. It was one of the few things, that connected me with my family, many of them chronically ill and suffering. If someone asked me how I was doing, I even felt resistance admitting that I was doing well... cause in a weird way, it feels like cheating on those personas, when I step out of my pain body (which is desperately wanting to stay alive at any cost). Stepping out of all of this, would probably turn my life upside down, with me having no idea who I am anymore - scary shit. No wonder so many people don't wanna go there, including me - at first.
First I was angry at the world...
...and mostly at myself - for letting it come this far. It took me a lot of emotional release and self love sessions, to be able to sit with this truth and really letting it in, without wanting to run away. Until I stepped up and asked a friend for a "sharing" - which is a communication tool, where we open a safe space to be seen and witnessed in our truths without judgement and interference. This gave me the chance to be mirrored and to gain new perspectives. When I shared my experience, it was as if I set myself free. And I received so much love and gratitude from my friend, for owning this shadow of mine and he, as well, shared that he can notice this pattern within him.
I understood, that transparency and openness have the potential to create a powerful fire of transformation AND a connection, that is not made through the pain itself, but through showing up in all my human messiness, vulnerability and honesty.
And when I am being radically honest (to myself and others) about these dynamics and meeting these parts of myself with love and compassion, I can start to de-condition my patterns and write a new story, one that is not based on woundology*.
Ever since this moment, I embrace my sovereignty and self-response-ability a little more every day.
Here, I would like to share with you some powerful insights from the book "Why people don't heal and how they can". Her words were a hard pill to swallow at first, Caroline Myss can be a bit direct and tough. Maybe that is why her message felt so powerful to me. I can not deny that most of what she wrote felt true and initiating - at least for me. Please feel free to take what you resonate with and leave the rest (as always).
*We all suffer at times. Regrettably, there are those who use the authenticity of their suffering as an excuse to not heal. Caroline Myss coined the term “woundology” to describe how some people define themselves by their physical, emotional, or social wounds. In her book, Myss writes that many people hoping to heal
“are striving to confront their wounds, valiantly working to bring meaning to terrible past experiences and traumas, and exercising compassionate understanding of others who share their wounds. But they are not healing. They have redefined their lives around their wounds and the process of accepting them. They are not working to get beyond their wounds. In fact, they are stuck in their wounds. Indeed, the last thing that many who are wounded, grieving, or ill are seeking is the full recovery of their health. Pain is their primary “relationship currency" and, consciously or not, they fear making their way in the world without it. Pain has its privileges. Those who adopt a victim mentality may use their wounds to manipulate and control situations and people; after all, suffering can be a convenient excuse for dodging responsibilities. Others discover that, after a lifetime of attending to others, they relish being attended to. Pain is also the ticket that gains the wounded entrance into well-meaning support groups and communities, where members receive, perhaps for the first time, validation, understanding, and acceptance. A support group’s purpose is to help members heal so they can move freely on in life, and many do just that; some go on to serve as positive role models and providers of hope for those who continue to struggle. But other members choose to not heal because that would mean leaving the only community that has ever offered them support. It takes courage to explore your suffering, to peel away layer after layer of beliefs, behaviors, assumptions and rigorously hold yourself accountable to life. Just as a silversmith holds a piece of silver in the middle of a fire to burn away its impurities, so must we lean into the fire of our pain . . . and burn. Only the searing flames of relentless self-honesty can cauterize our wounds, blunt the jagged edges of our agony, and prepare us for the journey back to wholeness".
Let that sink in.
What do you feel, when you read this?
I am grateful for coming across this book, which brought me so much closer to myself. I can highly recommend it, especially when you feel stuck in life, in healing, in moving on. Reading it, has strengthened my sense of self-response-ability and has called me to activate my inner parent once more. It has also reminded me strongly of THE POWER OF THE WORD AND THE STORY. It is GEMINI SEASON right now, which is exactly about that (check out my article for further insights about this archetype) You might want to observe your language and thoughts. Do you speak in woundology and do you have hidden, unconscious agendas, when you are speaking about your pain?
You are a sovereign being.
You are a powerful master of creation.
You are God and Goddess in flesh.
You are abundant and limitless.
You are catalyst for change.
You are a revolutionary and rebel of love.
You can re-write your story.
Much love, Katharina