Full Transparency // This post took me a lot of courage, feeling vulnerable as fuck. Okay... fully opening up here.
Yes. I still feel like a victim sometimes and part of me still holds on to this in such a strong way, that I even try to sabotage the abundance of love in my life, just to prove that I am being right and a poor little thing that no one loves. What the fuck. Wy is that? Why do some of us have that pattern and carry that story within us? The pattern that when something good happens, we instinctively wanna get rid of it? The story of unworthiness?
Cause love attracts love. And if I am not loving towards myself, love from another person won't feel comfortable in my system for long. The same thing goes for money. If my money-story is all about lack and about "I have no money and I never will", how can it flow to me easily?
It can't! Cause the INSTRUCTION is NOT INVITING!
I say... in a very gentle, yet clear way: NO MORE!
What needs to happen for us to transform this? To step up?
I can only speak from my own individual experience and I am very open to hear from you, what your input is on this topic.
But here it goes:
I HAD TO GO THROUGH MY ANGER in order for me to dive deeper into self-love. The anger about the fact that somehow...somewhen in my life (probably very early) I felt helplessly abandoned, not wanted and/or love came with conditions. Maybe cause I was surrounded by fear instead of love. Maybe I was shamed as a kid for being loud, joyous, alive, colorful and expressive? This is the past. Yet it is the story of "I am not lovable", which stayed in my system. The only way it could, was because I kept repeating and recreating what was familiar to me... which also served me, cause it gave space for all of those unprocessed emotions rise to the surface. Thing is... I never second guessed this stories' existence. Part of me agreed with it. And... isn't that something to be fucking angry about? About what got me there, how I even fed that story unconsciously?
Yes. I am angry. And you know what? I have not been able to allow myself that for years. Cause... I tell myself the story that people are going to leave me if I show my fire and blah blah. It is crazy, how powerful a story can be. (That is why I love Charles Eisenstein, saying that we need to write, tell and believe in a new story of humanity.) You know what? Those that left, did me a favor... cause it was the right time to part ways anyway.
I started to allow myself to feel and EXPRESS anger, as well as feeling the shame and sadness that came with it. And I felt such a power through that. Long gone parts of me have finally returned home. Such liberation. My power. Oh how I missed it... that feeling of being alive and wild. Owning the fact that I am responsible (able to respond) for my life, for my choices and that I can change what's not in alignment with me anymore. I can REWRITE MY STORY by owning the past, being present in the here and now and consciously set intentions for the future. A safe space to express my anger got me there!
Anger is fire.
And fire is the element of transformation.
It moves us from a stage of stagnation and suppression to liberation and expression!
And suddenly I connected the dots.
Anger is an emotion. Energy-in-motion. All it wants is to be expressed. Expressed and honored as a part of our sacred life-force-energy. What it needs are safe spaces to open up for that inner force. Cause fuck. It still is such a taboo. For men AND women. Yet, if handled in a conscious way, it is such a beautiful force of energy. And I believe that it is such a crucial part of our journey as human beings.
According to Taoism, Love and Anger run through the same channel. If we use that force to break out of stagnation, love has more space to flow. So from the first, maybe still hesitant and doubtful, contact with that emotion - we move to maybe an explosive (which is only natural, after all the suppression) expression and connection that innate life force - into a state of embodied empowerment!
Wow... how beautiful it is that we can use that force on our journey towards (self-)love?
** Dear, if you wish for a safe container to get in contact with that powerful force within you, I am offering Emotional Release Rituals for groups and individuals (due to Covid-19 now only via Zoom, Sacred Anger Release Nights in Vienna are coming soon again). If you resonate with my offering and want to find out more, please contact me via Mail at firstname.lastname@example.org - bless you!
Picture: me during my last anger release session at home